No. 1 Thing That ‘DESTROYS’ Relationships

Let's get to the point. Communication, communication, communication and communication is the number one thing that ‘DESTROYS’ relationships. Let's make it more clear. It is unwholesome, unhealthy, toxic, poisoning communication is the number one thing that ‘DESTROYS’ relationships.

Leadership is an essential aspect of any organisation or relationship, and effective communication is a crucial component of successful leadership. According to Dr John Gottman's research, there are four types of communication that can be damaging, detrimental and devastating to relationships.

In a leadership context, it is essential to understand how these four communication problems impact leadership, and what steps leaders can take to avoid them and foster healthy communication within their teams. Effective communication is vital for successful leadership, and understanding the four types of problematic communication identified by Dr. John Gottman can help leaders avoid potential pitfalls in their relationships.

Before seeing how communication impacts leadership and relationships let us take a look at the source of this research.

“What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies the four most problematic types of communication in relationships, based on his studies of 40,000 couples.

The four communication patterns as the most problematic in relationships, also known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse":

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than expressing a specific complaint. For example, saying "You never clean up after yourself" instead of "Could you please clean up the dishes?"

2. Contempt: Showing disrespect and disdain for your partner through sarcasm, insults, name-calling, or mockery. This can include eye-rolling, sneering, or using hostile humour.

3. Defensiveness: Responding to your partner's complaints with defensiveness, justifying your behaviour, or making excuses instead of taking responsibility for your actions. For example, saying "It's not my fault" or "I did it because you made me."

4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation or shutting down emotionally, refusing to engage with your partner. This can include avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, or leaving the room during an argument.

These communication patterns can be harmful to relationships over time, leading to increased conflict, decreased intimacy, and potentially even divorce. It's important to recognise them and work on developing healthier communication habits instead.

Leadership and relationships have a lot in common, and the same communication patterns that harm personal relationships harm professional relationships in a leadership context. Here are ways the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can manifest in leadership:

1. Criticism: This can take the form of publicly berating or humiliating team members, or constantly focusing on their weaknesses rather than their strengths. This can damage morale and lead to decreased motivation and productivity.

2. Contempt: Disrespect for team members can lead to a toxic work environment and decreased trust and collaboration. Leaders who engage in contemptuous behaviour may make sarcastic or belittling comments, undermine their team members' authority, or withhold recognition or praise for their accomplishments.

3. Defensiveness: Leaders who are defensive may be reluctant to acknowledge their mistakes or take responsibility for failures, which can harm trust and accountability in the team. They may also be resistant to feedback or constructive criticism, which can limit their own personal and professional growth.

4. Stonewalling: Leaders who shut down emotionally or disengage from conversations with their team members can create a sense of distance and disconnection, which can hinder communication and collaboration. They may avoid difficult conversations or fail to provide timely feedback, which can create confusion and tension within the team.

To be an effective leader, it's important to be aware of these communication patterns and work to develop healthier habits instead. This includes being willing to listen and respond to feedback, treating team members with respect and empathy, and creating a culture of open communication and trust.

Resolving the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a leadership context requires a combination of self-awareness, communication skills, and a willingness to take action. Here are some strategies for addressing each of these communication issues:

1. Criticism: Instead of attacking team members' character or personality focus on specific behaviours or actions that need improvement. Provide constructive feedback in a private and respectful manner, and offer suggestions for how they can improve.

2. Contempt: Show respect for team members by listening to their ideas and concerns, and treating them with empathy and kindness. Recognize their contributions and accomplishments, and avoid making disparaging or belittling comments.

3. Defensiveness: Be open to feedback and willing to admit mistakes. Take responsibility for your actions and work to address areas where you can improve. Encourage a culture of open communication and feedback within the team.

4. Stonewalling: Stay present and engaged in conversations with team members, even when the topic is difficult or uncomfortable. Practice active listening and reflect on what is being said, even if you disagree. Encourage team members to share their thoughts and feelings openly, and be willing to seek outside help or mediation if needed.

Ultimately, resolving these communication issues requires a commitment to building healthy, respectful relationships with team members. By focusing on clear communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to listen and learn, leaders can create a positive and productive work environment that supports the growth and success of everyone on the team.

Leaders who can recognise and address these communication issues within their teams will be better equipped to create a positive work environment, build strong relationships, and achieve their goals. By promoting healthy communication, leaders can cultivate a culture of collaboration and mutual respect, leading to increased engagement, productivity, and overall success.