The Lost Art & Science of Deep Listening

The song by Mike and The Mechanics called Living years has a wonderful line. It says “you can listen as well as you hear”. The line of this song just sums how crucial the art of deep listening in communication.

According to a study by the International Listening Association, we spend an average of 70-80% of our waking hours in some form of communication, and 45% of that time is spent listening. Therefore, listening is a vital component of effective communication.

The line “you can listen as well as you hear” has a very profound meaning and it reminds me of the Chinese symbol for listening. The Chinese symbol for listening is made up of six distinct words. Only when these six words are integrated it describes what we call in English deep listening or compassionate listening.

Each part represents an important aspect of deep listening.

1. You: When someone is talking with you, remember, as the listener to play an equal role for the communication to be wholesome. When you are not playing your part the message may get confused or lost, thus coming across as unwholesome.

2. Eyes: Observing the speaker's body language, facial expressions and feelings. Many say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maintaining a healthy level of eye contact while listening and observing the speaker's physiology and body language is essential. Doing so will enable you to gain insights into their emotions and perspectives more effectively.

3. Undivided Attention: Give your full attention to the speaker and avoid distractions. Remove all distractions such as emails, phones, laptops and any other thing deemed as a distraction. Never become distracted by other people, your internal thoughts (or feelings) or technology. The speaker needs to be given 100% attention. 

4. Heart: Represents empathy and understanding. It's important to not only hear what is being said but also to understand the speaker's emotions and perspective. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel in their situation. Listen with your heart which would require you to tap into your emotional wisdom and emotional intelligence. Approach the conversation with an open heart and mind, being receptive to the speaker's opinion and reasoning, even if it contrasts with your own. Dedicate ample time to comprehend their perspective before formulating a response. Give time and take your time to truly comprehend the speaker's viewpoint before responding.

5. King: Represents the ability to listen beyond the words being spoken. It means listening for underlying meanings, emotions, and intentions. Provide the speaker with royal treatment by considering them as the most significant individual in the world and according to them the respect and attention they merit.

6. Ear: Finally listen with your ears, this represents the physical act of hearing. It's important to give the speaker your undivided attention and actively listen to what they are saying. Take time to listen to the exact words, phrases and patterns of the speech of the speaker. It is important to be aware of the pitch tone, speed and volume of the voice as it gives you the opportunity to be mindful of your communication.

In a survey by the Project Management Institute, effective communication was identified as the top factor that contributes to project success. Effective communication requires not just speaking, but also active listening to understand the needs and perspectives of all stakeholders.

"We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." - Epictetus

In other words, deep listening involves not only hearing what is being said but also understanding the speaker's perspective and feelings. Here are six words to help you improve your deep listening skills:

1. Attention - Give the speaker your full attention. Put away any distractions and focus on what the speaker is saying.

2. Empathy - Understand the speaker's perspective and feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel in their situation.

3. Patience - Allow the speaker to express themselves fully without interrupting. Avoid jumping in to offer your opinion or advice before the speaker has finished speaking.

4. Openness - Be open to new ideas and perspectives. Avoid judging the speaker or dismissing their ideas before fully considering them.

5. Curiosity - Ask questions to clarify what the speaker is saying and to learn more about their perspective. This shows the speaker that you are engaged and interested in what they have to say. Remember you are there to listen and not to bombard them with questions.

6. Respect - Show respect for the speaker by acknowledging their ideas and feelings, even if you don't agree with them. This helps to build trust and rapport between you and the speaker.

The most powerful act you would do during deep listening is SILENCE. Silence is important when listening to another person because it allows you to fully focus on what the speaker is saying and understand their message. When you are silent, you are not interrupting the speaker or imposing your own thoughts or opinions onto the conversation. Instead, you are giving the speaker your undivided attention, which can help them feel heard and valued.

Additionally, silence can also provide a space for the speaker to reflect on what they have said and potentially elaborate on their thoughts or feelings. When you are quiet, it can encourage the speaker to continue speaking and share more about their experiences or perspectives.

Finally, being silent also allows you to process the information that is being shared and formulate a thoughtful response. By taking the time to listen and understand what the speaker is saying, you can respond in a more meaningful and empathetic way. Silence is a powerful tool in effective communication and can help create a deeper connection and understanding between individuals.

Deep listening has become a lost art. When you listen deeply, you not only gain a deeper understanding of others, but you also build trust and rapport and create a more positive and productive work environment.

Research by psychologist John Gottman found that in successful relationships, partners listen to each other attentively and show empathy towards each other's feelings and perspectives. In contrast, in unsuccessful relationships, partners are more likely to interrupt and talk over each other.

Take the time to truly listen to those around you. It may be the key to unlocking your full potential and achieving greater success in all areas of your life. Remember, the most powerful tool in your communication toolkit is not your voice, but your ears.